I had a really scary dream last night. I fiddled around with the coding here and then wrote my entry and then went to bed.

It was so vivid. I dreamed I was just a day or two post surgery, and I was walking around without a pillow (you have to walk with a pillow over your surgery site for those of us with open procedures vs. lap) and I was doing all sorts of things I shouldn't be doing: running around and wrestling with the kids, picking up heavy objects.

And eating.

I was eating all sorts of things I shouldn't eat. Not deliberately but sort of inadvertantly: I was making cookies and I kept munching on chocolate chips. Every time I put some in my mouth I thought, "I shouldn't be doing this!" but I would swallow anyway. Then a few minutes later I was doing it again!

And I never munch on chocolate chips, I think they're nasty!

Anyway, I kept finding myself eating things I didn't want and shouldn't have and not drinking water.

And then I was walking in a parking lot and found that it was two weeks post op and I hadn't lost any weight.

It scared the shit out of me.

Husband said, "It's your darkest fear: that the procedure won't work" and he's right.

I know in my head that it will, and that I will lose weight but I cannot imagine how it will feel, or how I'll look, or what it will be like. It's so completely outside of my experience that I can't even grasp it. I look in the mirror and suck in my stomach and lift up the flab and think of what it will be like to look in the mirror a year from now.

Will I recognize my own face?

That dream really shook me up.

ciao - 08 July 2005
Give Us Candor - 29 June 2005
Not even Johnny Depp is better than sleep - 26 June 2005
breathe - 25 June 2005
the joy of pepsi... or something - 22 June 2005

Before and After

current entry // past entries // profile // notes // sign // photo // design // host