Not much in the way of updates here, eh?

I did my six weeks of behavior modification. I had to make a list of things I was going to do when I wanted to binge but couldn't. Writing in here was top of the list. I also included sewing, the Sims, making jewellery, scrapbooking, and doing my nails. It's hard to eat with wet nails.

Anyway, I got my letter faxed into the docs office and they are going to call me next week to set up my consult. This is when I'll actually be able to go into meet Dr. Zahn. I hope the husband can come with me. That would suck if he can't, because he'll have a million questions and I don't want to relay everything second hand.

Anyway, a lot of things have changed in the last few months. One of which is my acceptance of my fat body. Once I made the commitment to go through with the surgery, I no longer worried about being fat. I sort of had this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and I came to realize something pretty profound: I like myself. I mean, I am pretty darn comfortable with who I am.

This surgery is going to change my body, but it isn't going to do a damn thing to my mind so I had to be really sure I was okay with who I was on the inside. I have a new confidence and freedom I never thought possible.

I even went swimming at Caesar's Palace. In front of a whole bunch of people. And I didn't give a damn who saw me. I sipped a daquiri (first alcoholic drink I've had in years) and laid in the shade (can't do the sun) and swam and had a blast. And I didn't give a damn who saw me.

It was incredibly freeing.

The husband is sort of freaking out a little bit though, and he's been saying things to me that really have hurt my feelings, like "If I have to be like that old Chinese dude in Kill Bill Vol 2 to keep you from eating I will." Fucker, who is he to talk? Mr. Please Bake Me Cookies so I can Eat 18 of Them In One Day. Bah to him. He doesn't get it.

I told him, though, to stop saying that because it was very derogatory and implied that I was some child doing this surgery on a whim.

I won't deny I've had fun these last few weeks, eating what I wanted when I wanted it. I haven't binged in a long time (except for eating two fajitas instead of one the other night at dinner: not a binge, but uncomfortable just teh same) but I've not felt one iota of guilt for having an ice cream sandwich for lunch. I figure if I am going to give it up for life, I should be allowed one last hurrah.

I have been trying to figure out what I'd like to eat the last week or so before my surgery and honestly, the most I can come up with is hot salty McDonald's fries and a cheeseburger. Nothing big or fancy: no boxes of chocolate or gallons of ice cream. I've been spending a lot of time listing all the things I will be able to enjoy afterwards, both food items and life items.

Shopping is going to be fun.

Anyway, that's where I am at. I am so very ready and so at peace with my choice. I can't wait to start this new journey.

ciao - 08 July 2005
Give Us Candor - 29 June 2005
Not even Johnny Depp is better than sleep - 26 June 2005
breathe - 25 June 2005
the joy of pepsi... or something - 22 June 2005

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