So, it's been six months and one day since I had my guts rerouted. Here are some things I've learned.

1) There are a lot of doctors out there who just want to make some money. My surgical bill was $38,000 and that did not include physician's fees or anything like that. It took me a year to get from asking my PCM for a referral to my actual surgery. During that time I did a lot of thinking and a whole lot of therapy. I had to get mentally prepared to give up abusing food. I hated it at the time but I am so glad that I did it. It was worth the wait. A lady I know is four weeks out and already given up on her pureed diet, already eating pizza and chips. It makes me sad for her.

2) 80 pounds is a lot of weight. A whole fuck of a lot of weight. It's 16 sacks of flour. It's 16 of these. It's an average 11 year old boy. It's huge, no pun intended, to lift that off in six months. I feel so much better physically that it's a little scary to think how long I lived feeling crappy.

3) This surgery is a hard choice. It's hard to give up eating, which is what I did essentially. Oh I eat now, smallish portions of mostly normal things. I miss salads, though. And eating popcorn at the movies (I do it, but about 1/4 of a small bag, not the big keg o' popcorn). I miss being able to eat out without asking the waiter, "How much sugar is in that sauce/glaze/marinade?" There are moments when I think, "Oh god, I have to do this for the rest of my life." and it seems like I made the utterly wrong choice.

4) Those moments, thankfully, are rare.

5) I am hot. Seriously. I say this with no vanity whatsoever. It's just an odd thing to go from fat and frumpy to actually being attractive. Especially to do it so quickly. Men look at me now. Little 19 year old boys at Hollywood Video flirt with me. I get stares, I get looks, I get comments. As discocerting as that is, I have to tell you it feels fan-fucking-tastic. :)

6) I lost friends. I lost a really good friend (or so I thought) over this surgery. When you become known to people as the fat funny friend, and you suddenly break out of that little pidgeon hole they've built for you (and that you've greatfully accepted), it freaks them the hell out. I became a threat to certain women who were insecure enough about their own bodies to allow my choice to change mine to affect our friendship. It's sad but true. I don't miss her, but I am still sad that people are so shallow.

7) I became the enemy to a whole lot of fat women. It's as if they think I've betrayed Fat Women Everywhere by having the surgery. To them I say: girl, if you can put on your size 28's and know you look good, more power to you. I did this for me, not to conform to some idea of what beauty is or what a woman should be. I didn't do it for my husband and I frankly did not even do it for my kids. I did it for me, me, me, me, me.

8) Hair loss: it's a reality. I have lost a lot of hair. I'm not bald or even balding, thankfully, but I did lose a lot of hair. Chunks. Handfulls. Entire villages of hairless people could have made wigs with the hair I lost. It's still coming out a bit but MUCH less than it was. It scared the crap out of me. For a while I thought I was going to end up like Yul Brenner.

9) The whole experience has made me realize just how much I like myself. And that's a very precious thing.

I don't know if I'll lose any more weight, at least any significant amount. My goal is another 25 pounds or so by Christmas. My doctor would like to see me down about 55 or so. I think that's unrealistic given my age, body type, and the fact that I still enjoy me some food. I'm very glad I did this, and I encourage anyone thinking about the surgery to take your time, do your research and make sure it's right for YOU.

ciao - 08 July 2005
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