Friday.

I go to my first appointment on Friday.

I am excited and nervous. The reality of what I'm going to do is setting in. The husband and I watched an MSNBC special about gastric bypass last night. We had seen it before, when I was just 'considering' surgery but I watched it now with a more critical eye.

The man they profiled, I think his name was Bob, had a horrible recovery period. That scared me to death. I will still have to work after this surgery. There is no way I can close down the daycare for 8 weeks (assuming I'm open at that point, of course). I'll take some time off and probably hire someone to come in and help me for a few weeks, too. But the recovery isn't something I'm thinking too much about because it scares me.

I'm worried about how I'll deal with not being able to abuse food. I mean, the idea of not being able to abuse food, of having that option taken completely off the table is a very freeing thought. Of course, it means I have to find something else to do instead of eating when I'm stressed or nervous or breathing. It's like having my safety net taken away. Of course in this scenario my safety net is killing me.

I worry so much about diabetes and my high cholesterol. I know I am killing myself. Every bite I take, every time I binge I'm digging my own grave. Shovel the food in, shovel the dirt out. I'm scared if I do, and scared if I don't.

I know I've focused a lot on the physical changes I want to have happen: being thin, buying clothes. But I know that there is a process of psychological change that has to happen and it's pretty goddamn terrifying. I feel like a big fat caterpillar inside a warm coccoon. Yeah, sure it's hot and it's getting hard to breathe but outside is the unknown. Eventually I'll have to shed my skin and emerge but I don't want to die trying.

ciao - 08 July 2005
Give Us Candor - 29 June 2005
Not even Johnny Depp is better than sleep - 26 June 2005
breathe - 25 June 2005
the joy of pepsi... or something - 22 June 2005

Before and After

current entry // past entries // profile // notes // sign // photo // design // host